Wednesday, August 16, 2006

transformation

there have been a lot of changes in my life of late, many of which have not made it into this blog. some have been good changes. some have been more challenging. most, actually, have been more challenging. i'm still struggling to find the good in those changes.

suffice to say, i've been wearing a little thin.

picu has been a whirlwind of sadness and stress. we've had several kids die over the last few weeks, including a little boy i've known almost my entire residency and his entire life and a little girl with a brain tumor whom everyone adored.

in an attempt to de-compress after a stressful night on call and the events of the early afternoon (see previous post), i went for a run. i told my roommate, who was making pizza for dinner, that i probably wouldn't be more than 30 minutes and that was being optimistic.

i was gone for an hour.

the first mile was a little painful. but then the runner's high kicked in and it was like i could suddenly fly.

have you ever felt like you were filled with strength that was not wholly your own? that's how i felt today. it was incredible and i felt, for the first time in a long while, that things are going to be good again. different, but good.

so now i'm sitting at my new kitchen table, eating really good pizza and listening to yo yo ma's cello suites, watching the sun set over the hills across the river, feeling peaceful. it's a nice feeling.

5 comments:

Shinga said...

Garrison Keillor wrote that if you touched the lips of a dead (or at least moribund) Swede with Sanka, then he/she would revive. I feel similarly about Yo Yo Ma - you have to be pretty far gone if you can't respond to some of the most sublime recordings available.

Regards - Shinga

Wrkinprogress said...

I'm glad you've found some peace and hope again. It's awful when those things run out, or seem to, sometimes. Running for you must be a way to reconnect with the world, and heals your battered soul. I think that for me, once I accept the randomness or the hubris of life, there comes a transcendence. Perhaps just acknowledging that we have so little power in the grand scheme of things is enough to make the balance right itself. Or does that all sound like hokey mumbo-jumbo? lol Either way -- glad you're feeling better and glad you're posting. :)

Flea said...

Really good sex works too.

Flea

sister smile said...

I know that feeling so very well. It's nice to be reminded of your own strength and ability to rise to a challenge. Well done.

Anonymous said...

sounds like you're describing a drug-free birth.