today was a good day

today was a good day, although my version of a good day might be different from ice cube's.
my goal for the day was to not cry. not once. i just signed out my list of patients to the night team and, lo and behold, not a tear.
for those of you who know me, you know that i'm not an easy cry-er. i just happen to be on a particularly difficult month in the intensive care nursery (ICN, NICU, what-have-you). i just had a wonderful holiday break with my family, whom i have not seen since september, and my boyfriend. then this.
it's been something i've been dreading ever since starting in the ICN in july, my first month of internship. now, july would have been a difficult month, no matter what i was doing, just by virtue of the fact that being a new intern is incredibly overwhelming...as much as you wanted your signature to count, all of a sudden it does and you really wish there was someone still looking over your shoulder checking those drug doses...but starting in the ICN was beyond overwhelming.
it's not that i don't like the babies. i love the babies. they are actually really amazing. the medicine is challenging, which i love. it's really only when you do it every day that you truly understand how to interpret a blood gas or manage someone on a ventilator.
it's just the toxic work environment that drives me to the brink of madness.
why is it that when you get a bunch of women together, there's just no end to the drama and passive-aggressive behavior???
well, i'm back for a second month. my goal is humble, modest even. just don't cry. whatever you do, don't let them see you cry.
of course, on tuesday, i snuck into the staff bathroom and lost it.
but not today. today was a good day.