recovery

so i did it.
i ran in a charity half-marathon for the hospital yesterday afternoon. outrun the sun, if you will, which i did.
my goal was to finish without walking (except at water stations, three of which i slowed down for).
13.1 miles. 9:30 min miles (i know...not impressive for you marathoners, but consider for a first-time half-marathoner who trained whilst doing her picu rotation)
$1,006.
the pain i feel now is worth it. it was all for the kids.

i was severely impressed with c.j.. he's a medicine resident whom i was chatting with before the race. he had not trained specifically for this race. he decided to run on wednesday, with the race being saturday. he non-chalantly told me that he used to run track and cross-country in college and that he would have been a professional runner were he not 6'8". maybe if he were 6'2", he said. or 6'5" at the most. i nodded my head, thinking that the last year as an intern, if not the grueling 4 years of med school, would have gotten him slightly out of shape. nope. he placed in the top 20 overall, 3rd in his age group. why does being 6'8" disqualify you from being a professional runner?

today is about recovery. i slept in. brunch at lou's with my brother, who drove up with sister-in-law to cheer me on.

i did do one productive thing...my laundry, which in my new abode means going to the laudromat.

note to self: never do laundry on a rainy sunday afternoon.

you know you work too much when...

...the most amusing event this evening was when the a-la-mode scoop of ice cream slid off your friend's molten chocolate cake and she said,

"i SCFE'd my cake!"

and the table full of peds residents burst out laughing.

it probably would have been funnier if it were actually an ice cream cone.

transformation

there have been a lot of changes in my life of late, many of which have not made it into this blog. some have been good changes. some have been more challenging. most, actually, have been more challenging. i'm still struggling to find the good in those changes.

suffice to say, i've been wearing a little thin.

picu has been a whirlwind of sadness and stress. we've had several kids die over the last few weeks, including a little boy i've known almost my entire residency and his entire life and a little girl with a brain tumor whom everyone adored.

in an attempt to de-compress after a stressful night on call and the events of the early afternoon (see previous post), i went for a run. i told my roommate, who was making pizza for dinner, that i probably wouldn't be more than 30 minutes and that was being optimistic.

i was gone for an hour.

the first mile was a little painful. but then the runner's high kicked in and it was like i could suddenly fly.

have you ever felt like you were filled with strength that was not wholly your own? that's how i felt today. it was incredible and i felt, for the first time in a long while, that things are going to be good again. different, but good.

so now i'm sitting at my new kitchen table, eating really good pizza and listening to yo yo ma's cello suites, watching the sun set over the hills across the river, feeling peaceful. it's a nice feeling.

broken heart

i've lost a friend today.

to those who knew him, he was and always will be the bravest, strongest, most courageous of souls.

for those who will never get the chance to meet him, my heart breaks for you that you will never know this boy.

this boy has the most amazing smile. every time i walked into his room he would hear my voice and his whole face would light up. i could have been having the worst, most stressful day and one trip to his room and seeing his sweet little face would erase all the irksome things in this world.

this boy has the most infectious laugh. it was so wonderful to watch him grow up. when i first met him, he was not one for talking. but over the course of my time with him, he learned to coo. the coo eventually became a babble. the babble turned into a laugh. sometimes, i'd be standing outside the room of one of his neighbors and hear a cheerful squeal. i'd poke my head in his doorway and see him in his crib, grabbing his favorite green hippo and laughing to himself.

this boy had good taste in music. early on in his life, someone gave him the soundtrack to curious george. if ever he was fussy or agitated or not feeling well, all you'd have to do is press play on his cd player and listen to the first song, upside down, and he would calm down.
"And as my mind begins to spread it’s wings
There’s no stopping curiosity
I want to turn the whole thing upside down
I’ll find the things they say just can’t be found
I’ll share this love I find with everyone
We’ll sing and dance to mother nature’s songs"
i kept telling him that the lyrics were right, that nothing could stop curiosity. that he could change the world with his two pudgy hands.

one afternoon this spring, he was out of sorts. no one could settle him. it was a slow afternoon, so i took him in his room, sat by the window in the rocking chair and held him, rocking him until he fell asleep. he slept for two hours in my arms, rocking back and forth. every once and a while, he would let out one of those quivering breaths and then settle somehow deeper in my arms, his pudgy little hand resting over my heart. it was the most peaceful i've ever seen him. i'll always remember him that way, snuggled in the crook of my arm, watching his eyes flutter beneath the sleepy lids, dreaming some wonderful dream where he could do anything...even pee his name in the snow.

this boy came into my life for a reason. his life has been too short, but it has been full of every happiness we could give him. of that, i think we should be proud. i will always count myself lucky for knowing him. i will always wish i had more time with him. but i also am thankful that he will not suffer any more, that he won't have to endure any more hardship or pain. he has suffered enough. if there is a heaven, he is there, watching over us as we watched over him.

"...and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest."

books and such

for all those who think i'm mysterious ...
not so.
really.
an open book, i tell you.

the book that changed my life: to kill a mockingbird
hands down, the most amazing book. i read it when i was little and it's always stayed with me. atticus always reminded me of my dad.

a book i've read more than once: wasted
don't ask why. it's just one of those kinds of books.

a book i'd want with me on a desert island: a book about how to survive on a desert island...if such a book exists...if anyone has ever survived a desert island.

a book that made me laugh: thank you for smoking
i read it years ago when it first was published. turns out christopher buckley summers in the town where my parents live and came to give a reading just after i had finished it.

a book that made me cry: lots of books make me cry. several more notable ones are:
the kite runner
no matter how loud i shout
Baby ER
cry the beloved country
savage inequalities

a book i wish had been written: central lines for dummies

a book i wish had never been written: my organic chemistry textbook ...gawd that was painful...but it made a good doorstop once i passed the class.

a book i am currently reading: at the top of the pile currently is the history of love

a book that i am meaning to read: appetite for life, a biography of Julia Child.

five bloggers i'd like to tag:
sister smile
fat doctor
blogMD
vitaminKmd
workinprogress